Breathe

After diligently performing his marital duties at times of peak ovulation, Mason Brown and his wife conceived and he entered the nether world of the expectant father. Buried in books and gifts for his wife and baby to be, Brown soon recognised the shell shocked look of other men drifting through maternity shops, and he decided to write BREATHE. Full of useful tips on picking a doctor (no palm trees on diplomas); baby showers (how not to become a gibbering idiot, when forced to appear); and overcoming fears (go ahead, hold the baby, it's a chick magnet!), BREATHE also introduces Brown's Law of Conception, which posits that the odds of conception are inversely proportional to the desirability of conception. While high school virgins are all but guaranteed to conceive, married men who want kids are doomed to weekends in fertility clinics.

Mason Brown is a managing editor at NationalLampoon.com. His book WHO CUT THE CHEESE? has been published around the world, and his humour has appeared in Esquire, Details, Maxim, Black Book and Schwing. He lives in Santa Monica, California.

Contents Foreword: A Word from the Doctor Preface: A Word from the Author Introduction PART I -- GETTING STARTED

• On Deciding to Become a Father
• Trying to Get Pregnant
• Are You Pregnant? PART II -- NINE MONTHS AND COUNTING
• Establishing Paternity
• Finances
• Choosing (and Working with) Your Practitioner
• The Best Odds Diet for Men
• Prenatal Care
• Sex During Pregnancy
• What's Going On in There? Understanding the Trimester System
• Your Wife's Mental Changes Throughout Pregnancy
• The Working Mother
• The Gender Dilemma: Should You Find Out the Sex of Your Unborn Child?
• Naming Your Baby
• The Baby Shower
• Preparing the Baby's Room
• Birthing Classes
• What to Bring to the Hospital PART III -- D-DAY!! LABOR AND DELIVERY
• Making the Decision to Go to the Hospital
• Driving to the Hospital
• You Made It to the Hospital. Now What?
• The Final Push
• C-Sections
• It's A...live
• Picking a Room PART IV -- AFTERBIRTH
• Keep Baby Off the Grid!!
• The Great Circumcision Debate
• Other Body Modification Rituals
• The First Days Home
• Postpartum Depression: Hers and Yours
• Birth Announcements
• Day Care Providers
• Television and the Younger Child
• Out with the Old, In with the New: The Second Baby
• Developmental Milestones Appendix: A List of Recommended Baby Books